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Shayna, you already know how much I want you sexually. I want to be yours. I want you to feel secure in knowing you wouldn’t have to share that part of me with anyone else. That’s why I’ve been trying to reassure you. When I love someone, intimacy means something to me. I do want you physically, and not a little bit. But it’s intertwined with how I feel about you. When I feel disconnected from you, or insecure about where we stand and whether there’s loyalty between us, that part of me shuts down. Not because I want you less, but because my sexual desire is connected to how we’re doing emotionally. If I want to look at you, imagine things with you, and allow myself to feel that closeness, I need to feel emotionally connected to you. I need to feel safe being vulnerable, and I want that vulnerability to go both ways. It’s just how I’m wired. I love you, Shayna. And when I think about you intimately, it’s not just about sex or finishing. Every time I let myself imagine being close to you, my feelings deepen. But actually being with you would be about learning you, experiencing you, knowing you in ways nobody else does, and sharing something that means more because it’s you. Sometimes I’d still want to throw you on the counter or wherever I feel like eating my delicacy. But even that would be special to me because it’s you. Maybe the depth of my feelings is scary, but you wouldn’t have to wonder if they were real or if I’d walk away when things got difficult. You don’t know my whole past, but I’ve never walked away from someone I truly loved unless disloyalty was involved. I don’t take love lightly. I would work through things with you. I’d want to understand you, make you happy, and do right by you. I’m not expecting you to feel as I do or deciding your feelings for you. I just want you to understand me. I shared a lot of vulnerability with you in my last playlist, Shayna, and I want to feel safe showing you that part of myself. You don’t have to run up and hug me or forget every obstacle. I know it isn’t that simple. But I wish things could soften between us. If you’re upset with me, I don’t want us to stay in that feeling. I really don’t want to fight with you at all. I want us to understand each other. I can’t pretend it isn’t painful seeing how difficult it seems for you to talk to me, especially when all I really want is for you to feel comfortable with me, alongside whatever else you might feel about me. I want to make things easier for you, not harder. I don’t need everything figured out at once. I’ve said I want you to move at your own pace, and I mean it. But starting is important to me, Shayna. We don’t have to figure everything out at once, but I do want us to start somewhere, even if it’s something small. I just need something concrete that isn’t based on my imagination or opinions. Something as simple as being able to think to myself, yeah, she said hi to me today. Yeah, we talked about work. That’s concrete. That’s something real that we could allow to develop naturally. I don’t want to push you faster than you’re comfortable moving, but staying stopped isn’t helping either. It’s more time I spend wondering, more time I spend feeling for you even more every day, without us actually getting anywhere. I don’t want you to feel you have to guard yourself against me. I want you to feel comfortable coming towards me, if you want to. I just want whatever happens between us to come from genuine comfort and willingness, not pressure. I want closeness with you, Shayna. Emotional, physical, and the ability to be ourselves without so much tension. I want to feel you, but more than anything, I want us to feel safe with each other. Also, just to be perfectly clear, I’ve never been suicidal. Russian music tends to be dark, and the emotional lyrics are part of why I connect with it. But just because I relate to a song doesn’t mean every word reflects how I think or feel. I can be a dark person, sure, but I value my life very much. When things get difficult and I feel like I’m reaching my limit, I think about how to reset, how to find my way back to myself, and how to make things better. I don’t think about ending my life. I clearly love myself excessively. I’m very dynamic, and I have a lot of traits that might seem contradictory. It’s like most people have a scale of 0 to 100, but mine goes to 1000. I just don’t do anything halfway. It’s either 0 or 1000. I can see the gray areas in things, sure, but I know what I want, what I’m willing to do, and what I’m not. If you and I end up together like I’d like, I’m gunna say, “Remember when I’d write essays to you, and then we’d pretend we never saw each other before at the time clock? That was fun.” Would you miss it? We could even go grocery shopping separately and, like, not look at each other the whole time or something, for nostalgia.